Divorcing a Narcissist – Tips from Divorce Lawyers

Thinking about divorcing a narcissist? It could be quite difficult. Narcissists have a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for constant admiration, and little regard for the feelings of others. When you are divorcing a narcissist, these traits may complicate negotiations, increase conflict, and potentially draw out the divorce process. Whether you are divorcing a narcissist wife or divorcing a narcissist husband, it is essential to recognize these behaviors early and establish a solid plan. Particularly when it comes to parenting time (custody), narcissist’s can be quite difficult to deal with.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

According to the DSM-5, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believes that they are ‘special’ and unique.
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement.
Is interpersonally exploitative.
Lacks empathy.
Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of them.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

While the DSM-5 outlines the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as including a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, it is critical to recognize that only a licensed mental health professional is qualified to diagnose this condition. Proper diagnosis requires a thorough evaluation involving in-depth interviews, psychological testing, and comprehensive assessments. This ensures that the criteria outlined in the DSM-5 are appropriately applied in the context of the individual’s overall psychological profile and circumstances.

Some of the tests that these professionals use to assess for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or related traits include:

While labels such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are critical in medical contexts for diagnosis, insurance coverage, and treatment plans, they hold less practical importance for individuals navigating personal challenges, such as divorce. For those in such situations, the priority should shift to identifying and understanding specific behaviors and patterns rather than focusing on proving that someone fits a particular diagnostic label. Recognizing manipulative, controlling, or emotionally harmful behaviors can empower individuals to set boundaries, make informed decisions, and seek appropriate legal or emotional support. This behavior-focused approach is often more actionable and relevant in addressing the immediate challenges of divorce and co-parenting.

Key Traits of Narcissists That Affect Divorce Proceedings

Grandiosity and Sense of Entitlement

Belief in Being Above the Law: Narcissists often exhibit a grandiose sense of self-importance, leading them to perceive themselves as exempt from legal constraints. This may result in dismissive behavior toward court orders, legal processes, or fair settlement offers, prolonging negotiations and increasing litigation costs. In parenting cases, this can mean that they ignore the parenting plan.

Unreasonable Expectations: Their entitlement can manifest as demands for disproportionate assets, refusal to compromise, or insistence on maintaining control over decisions, regardless of fairness or legality.

Manipulative and Controlling Behaviors

Gaslighting: Narcissists may distort facts or deny reality to undermine the other party’s confidence or recollection of events, creating confusion and self-doubt. This tactic is particularly damaging in high-conflict divorces, as it may affect communication and mediation efforts. It also makes divorce cases extremely expensive because you are constantly trying to find and present evidence to contradict the false statements. It can take two seconds to make a false statement and months of investigation to prove it is false.

Intimidation and Threats: Through emotional outbursts, veiled threats, or overt intimidation, they may attempt to coerce their spouse into compliance or agreement on unfavorable terms.

Use of Children as Pawns: Narcissists may manipulate custody arrangements by alienating children from the other parent, fabricating accusations, or using visitation schedules as a tool for control.

Dragging Out Proceedings: They might deliberately stall negotiations or file frivolous motions to exhaust the other party emotionally and financially. It is important to understand if settlement is frustrated due to genuine disagreement or personality issues. If personality issues are the cause of settlement issues, then they likely will not be resolved by further concessions (as the actual terms of the deal are not the issue).

Lack of Empathy

Emotional Disregard for Spouse and Children: Narcissists may prioritize their own interests and ego over the emotional well-being of others, leading to behaviors that complicate child custody disputes and undermine co-parenting efforts.

Impact on Custody Decisions: Their inability or unwillingness to understand a child’s needs can lead to parenting arrangements that require close court supervision or intervention. Courts may consider this lack of empathy when evaluating the best interests of the child.

Insensitivity During Settlement Negotiations: Narcissists are often dismissive of their spouse’s emotional struggles during divorce, focusing solely on their desired outcomes without regard for the toll their behavior takes on others.

Practical Implications on Divorce Cases

These traits can make divorcing a narcissist uniquely challenging, as they often use legal proceedings as a platform to assert dominance or exact revenge. To navigate these complexities effectively, a strategic and proactive legal approach is essential. This includes a thorough understanding of both procedural and substantive law applicable to divorce cases involving high-conflict personalities.

Setting Firm Boundaries

Courts can issue orders under statutes like C.R.S. § 14–10–124 to protect the best interests of children during contentious custody disputes. Orders may restrict behaviors that undermine parenting plans, ensuring children remain shielded from manipulation and conflict. By establishing clear legal boundaries, litigants can reduce opportunities for a narcissistic spouse to exploit ambiguities or exert undue influence.

Documenting Interactions Meticulously

Precision and thorough documentation are vital. Maintaining a detailed record of all communications, such as emails, text messages, or verbal agreements, can provide critical evidence to counter manipulative tactics like gaslighting or false allegations. Courts in Colorado may evaluate these records under C.R.S. § 14–10–129 when assessing the need for modifications to parenting time arrangements due to obstructive behaviors.

Legal Remedies for Obstruction

When faced with stalling tactics, frivolous motions, or contempt of court orders, remedies like attorney fee awards under C.R.S. § 14–10–119 can help mitigate financial strain. Courts can also impose sanctions to deter future violations of parenting orders.

Protective Orders and Emergency Relief

In extreme cases, seeking temporary orders under C.R.S. § 14–10–108 or -125 can help stabilize contentious situations by securing immediate relief concerning child custody or property division. This ensures that urgent matters are addressed while the broader divorce process unfolds.

Leveraging Professional Support

High-conflict divorces often necessitate collaboration with experts, such as child and family investigators or parental responsibility evaluators, to provide objective assessments under C.R.S. § 14–10–124. These professionals help courts evaluate claims of manipulation, neglect, or abuse, ensuring decisions align with the best interests of the child. The court may appoint a Child and Family Investigator (CFI) or a Parental Responsibilities Evaluator (PRE) to examine parenting-related issues in your case. PREs often have the ability to perform psychological assessments as part of their evaluation.

Tailored Court Management

Colorado’s Rule 16.2 promotes active case management to reduce the adversarial nature of domestic relations litigation. Courts can streamline disclosure requirements and hearings to prioritize efficient and equitable resolution of contentious issues, limiting the narcissist’s ability to delay or complicate proceedings.

By understanding the legal tools available and working with experienced legal counsel, individuals facing the challenges of divorcing a narcissist can safeguard their rights, protect their children, and navigate the process with resilience. A carefully constructed legal strategy, coupled with emotional and professional support, empowers clients to overcome the unique difficulties posed by these complex cases.

Final Thoughts on Ending a Marriage with a Narcissist

Divorcing a narcissist is often difficult, especially when children are involved. Whether your marriage lasted 30 years or a few, preparation and planning can make the process smoother. Understanding the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and common divorce tactics used by narcissists can help you stay ahead and protect yourself.

Focus on staying calm and emotionally grounded. Keep detailed records of all interactions. Seek support from experienced legal and mental health professionals. Narcissists often use manipulative behaviors that are deeply ingrained, so it is essential to remain vigilant and adapt quickly. Above all, prioritize your well-being, safeguard your children, and protect your long-term interests.